17. Friendship, Self-Love, and the Three Kinds of Friendship

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Lecture Notes

Main Topics #

The Three Kinds of Friendship #

• Useful friendship (φιλία ὠφέλιμος): Based on mutual benefit; dissolves when usefulness ends; temporary and unstable; exemplified by those who befriend the wealthy and abandon them when fortune changes
• Pleasurable friendship: Based on mutual enjoyment and attraction; temporary by nature
• Virtuous friendship: Based on mutual appreciation of character; the highest form; rarest; stable and enduring; requires choice and maturity over time

Envy as Opposed to Friendship #

• Envy defined as sadness over the good fortune of another (ἀντιλύπη for misfortune)
• More directly contrary to friendship than flattery because it denies the mutual goodwill essential to friendship
• Even the virtuous experience envy as temptation
• When friend prospers, envy tempts one to be sad rather than rejoice in their good

Flattery vs. Honest Correction #

• Flattery less directly opposed to friendship than envy
• Can serve functions (encouraging students, praising children) without being serious fault
• True friend provides correction aimed at helping another improve and overcome defects
• Christ as true friend (citing Margaret Ellicott) shows no flattery but honest reading of one’s habits
• Cicero’s position: useful and pleasant friendships are “called” friendships by common speech, but genuine friendship in full sense applies only to virtuous friendship

Self-Love and the True Self #

• Paradox: A friend is another self (ἀλλος αὐτός—Greek proverb); true self-love is foundation for loving another as friend
• Distinction between good self-love (loving oneself as rational being) and bad self-love (pride, excessive concern for body/ease)
• Key insight: Reason and will are more truly “self” than emotions or bodily desires
• Evidence from common speech: when angry, “I wasn’t myself yesterday” indicates anger is not true self; when sober, person is in control of themselves
• When drunk person says “I wasn’t myself,” this shows the bodily/emotional state is not the true self
• Examples: premeditated murder judged more severely than passionate murder (indicating responsibility lies with reasoned choice); telling a friend to “get control of yourself” during anger implies reason/will is the true self

Polonius vs. Proteus: Conflicting Views of Self-Love #

• Polonius’s position: “This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man”
• Proteus’s position: “I cannot be true to myself without being false to Valentine my friend” (and to Julia his betrothed)
• Resolution: Polonius is correct. Proteus mistakes his passions (love for Sylvia) for his true self. When reason and will govern (choice to keep oath), one is true to self; when passion governs, one is not.
• Proteus’s reasoning is rationalization: “Love bade me swear, and love bids me forswear”; his desire is slave, not master
• True self-love requires constancy to the choice one has made through reason

The Soul as More Truly Self than the Body #

• Common usage: “He’s gone” upon death indicates soul is more truly the person than the body
• Though body and soul are substantially united (share one existence), the soul is more essentially the person
• Soul and soul (as in friendship) are more like each other than soul and body, yet soul-body union is closer in existence
• Implication: When soul must choose, it should prefer another’s soul to one’s own body
• Partial ordering of charity: one’s own soul > another’s soul > one’s own body

Friendship Among Unequals #

• Union of husband and wife like union of soul and body (substantial unity)
• Union of two souls in friendship of virtue (spiritual unity without bodily union)
• Question: Which union is more intimate? Body-soul: more one in existing; soul-soul: more alike (like attracts like)

Key Arguments #

The Problem of Self-Love in Proteus #

• Claim: Proteus says true self-love requires betraying Valentine
• Counter-argument: If true self is reason and will (not passion), then Proteus is following passion, not true self-love
• Evidence:
  • Proteus recognizes the oath “20,000 soul-confirming oaths” but calls it “unrevered” when passion arises
  • He says “I cannot leave to love…but yet I do”; contradiction shows internal conflict
  • He claims “I to myself am dearer than a friend” but then pursues what destroys his actual self (his reasoned choice)

Distinction Between Passionate and Virtuous Choices #

• Passion is unreliable as indicator of true self because it is temporary and external influence
• Reasoned choice (marriage vows, oath of friendship, commitment to sobriety) is more truly self because it is act of will
• Test: When tempted after making a choice through reason, being true to the choice (not the temptation) is being true to self
• Implication: Proteus is not really choosing himself; he is being chosen by his passion

Important Definitions #

φιλία ὠφέλιμος (Useful friendship): Friendship for mutual benefit; lasts only as long as benefit persists

ἄλλος αὐτός (Another self): Greek proverb describing genuine friend; implies self-love and love of friend are related, not opposed

Self (true self): Not the emotions or bodily desires, but reason and will; what persists and governs action

Examples & Illustrations #

From Shakespeare’s Plays #

Henry VI, Part 3: Young king Henry wishes to marry woman of no position; lords disapprove. King responds that he is “wealthy in himself” (can enrich her, not need her wealth). Contrasted with “worthless peasants [who] bargain for their wives as market men for oxen”—these are useful friendships/marriages

Richard III: Richard dreams before final battle where all his victims curse him. Upon waking: “What, do I fear myself? There’s none else by. Richard loves Richard, that is I am I.” Yet he realizes he has no reason to love himself because of hateful deeds committed by himself. Shows the paradox: natural self-love conflicts with moral self-knowledge when one has done evil. “For hateful deeds committed by myself, I am a villain.”

Merchant of Venice: Antonio (facing execution due to debt for Bassanio) writes farewell letter. Bassanio says: “Life itself, my wife and all the world are not with me esteemed above thy life; I would lose all, sacrifice them all here to this devil to deliver you.” Shows intensity of virtuous friendship. Portia (in disguise) observes this and later supports Antonio’s life. Question raised: Is Bassanio more united with Antonio or his wife? Answer involves distinction between union of souls (spiritual, like) vs. union of soul and body (substantial, one existence).

Two Gentlemen of Verona: Proteus, betrothed to Julia, arrives at court where Valentine has fallen for Sylvia. Upon seeing Sylvia, Proteus is tempted. Soliloquy shows his reasoning: “To leave my Julia shall I be forsworn? To wrong my friend I shall be much forsworn… Love bade me swear, and love bids me forswear.” He argues “I to myself am dearer than a friend, for love is still most precious in itself.” Julia eventually appears in disguise to observe Proteus’s faithlessness. She says: “I am my master’s true confirmed love but cannot be true servant to my master unless I prove false traitor to myself.”

From Homer’s Iliad #

Achilles and Patroclus: After Patroclus dies in battle, Achilles grieves intensely. Compared to a bearded lion robbed of cubs and a father mourning his son. Lies awake at night remembering shared battles and hardships. At funeral games, still sweeps and remembers his beloved companion. Dante: “Patroklos, whom I love beyond all their companions, as well as my own life.”

From Washington Irving’s Life of Washington #

Band of Brothers: Washington writes to General Knox: “My first wish would be that my military family and the whole army should consider themselves a band of brothers willing and ready to die for each other.”

Society of Cincinnati: Officers who fought together for independence formed a society to perpetuate their friendship after the war. Named after Roman Cincinnatus. Formula states: “officers of the American army in the most solemn manner combined themselves into one society of friends.”

Washington and Lafayette: Washington’s farewell letter to Lafayette upon separation shows deep attachment: “In the moment of our separation… I have felt all that love, respect, and attachment for you… I have often asked myself whether that was the last I ever should have with you. And though I wish to answer no, my fears answered yes.”

From Johnson and Boswell #

Johnson assures Boswell of his friendship: “Never, my dear soul, do you take it into your head to think that I do not love you… I hold you as Hamlet has it in my heart of hearts.” Shows friendship held in “heart of hearts”—the inmost self. Johnson notes that death of friends might be consolation against fear of own death, but then questions whether departed friends are truly in Heaven or even still friends.

From Jane Austen #

On Wickham and Lydia: “How little of permanent happiness could belong to a couple who were only brought together because their passions were stronger than their virtues.” Contrasts those brought together by passion vs. those brought together by virtue.

Notable Quotes #

“This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man” (Polonius, Hamlet)

“I to myself am dearer than a friend, for love is still most precious in itself” (Proteus, Two Gentlemen of Verona)

“A friend is another self” (Greek proverb, ἄλλος αὐτός)

“Richard loves Richard, that is I am I” (Richard III, before battle)

“My first wish would be that my military family and the whole army should consider themselves a band of brothers” (Washington to General Knox)

“I hold you as Hamlet has it in my heart of hearts” (Johnson to Boswell)

Questions Addressed #

Is Polonius or Proteus Correct About Self-Love? #

Question: If one is true to oneself, must one necessarily be true to friends? Or can true self-love require betraying friends?

Berquist’s Resolution: Polonius is correct. The confusion arises from distinguishing the true self (reason and will) from the apparent self (emotions and bodily desires). Proteus mistakes his passion for Sylvia as his true self, but passion is external and temporary, not what truly constitutes the self. True self-love means adhering to the reasoned choice one has made (oath to Julia, friendship with Valentine), even when passion pulls against it. Those who follow passion over reason are not being true to themselves; they are being enslaved by what is not themselves.

What Is the Difference Between Useful and Virtuous Friendship? #

Answer: Useful friendship ends when usefulness ends; the person was valued for utility, not for what they are. Virtuous friendship, by contrast, is based on appreciation of the other person’s character and endures. The Shakespeare examples (especially Merchant of Venice and Henry VI) show how those who marry or befriend for wealth abandon when wealth disappears—these are useful friendships. True friendship persists through fortune and misfortune.

Is Envy or Flattery More Opposed to Friendship? #

Answer: Envy is more directly opposed because it involves being sad over the good fortune of another, which contradicts the mutual goodwill required for friendship. Flattery is less directly opposed; it may even seem kind, but it fails to help a friend overcome defects. Yet envy is more fundamental a contradiction.

Connections to Other Concepts #

To Virtue and Character #

• True friendship is possible only between virtuous persons (or those becoming virtuous)
• The examples of Achilles-Patroclus, Washington-Lafayette, Johnson-Boswell show virtue (courage, honor, wisdom) as the basis
• Contrast with useful friendships and passionate attachments which can exist between the vicious

To Soul and Body in Thomistic Philosophy #

• The distinction between soul and body clarifies why reason/will (in soul) are more truly “self” than bodily desires
• Supports the Christian understanding that one should sacrifice one’s body for another’s soul (martyrdom)
• Prepares for understanding charity as ordering of loves according to the soul’s nature

To Aristotelian Ethics #

• These Shakespeare examples illustrate what Aristotle will formally analyze in Nicomachean Ethics Books VIII-IX
• The three kinds of friendship, envy as vice opposed to friendship, self-love as foundation for love of others
• Friendship as necessary for human flourishing and excellence