20. The Habit and Act of Friendship; Trust and Living Together

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Lecture Notes

Main Topics #

Friendship as Habit vs. Act #

• Friendship can be considered as a habit (a stable disposition) or as an act (living together, enjoying each other’s company)
• This distinction parallels virtue in ethics: just as we speak of someone “being just” (habit) or “doing a just action” (act), we can speak of being a friend or acting in friendship
• The connection between habit and act differs depending on whether one is acquiring or already possesses the habit

The Relation to Virtue and Habit Acquisition #

• Moral virtue is acquired through repeated acts: by doing just things we become just; by doing courageous things we become courageous
• Once a virtue is acquired, one performs virtuous acts more easily, firmly, and with pleasure
• Similarly, friendship requires repeated acts of friendship to establish the habit
• If one neglects these acts, the habit can weaken and disappear (just as one can lose temperance through repeated intemperance)

Separation in Place vs. Loss of Friendship #

• Separation in place does not destroy the habit of friendship itself
• However, it prevents the act of friendship (living together, enjoying each other)
• Prolonged absence weakens the habit and can cause friendship to be “forgotten”
• Young people often drift apart when separated (different colleges, different cities) due to lack of the acts of friendship
• The lack of conversation and being together destroys many friendships

Conditions for Friendship: Living Together and Compatibility #

• Living together is essential: “Nothing belongs more to friends than living together”
• Both those in need and even the blessed desire to spend time together
• For living together to be pleasant, friends must enjoy the same things and find each other pleasant to be with
• The old and harsh are not well suited to friendship because there is “little that is pleasant in these”
• Nature flees the painful and desires the pleasant

Mere Goodwill vs. True Friendship #

• Those who approve of each other but do not live together may wish each other well, but they are not fully friends
• True friendship requires not only wishing well but also the act of living together
• This suggests that something more than the definition initially stated is required for complete friendship

Trust and Its Grounds #

• Friends must trust each other; this is spontaneously recognized by students
• In virtue-based friendship, trust is grounded in demonstrated virtue
• Trust requires experience: one must observe the other’s actions over time to know they are virtuous
• In pleasure or utility friendships, trust is much weaker because the grounds (pleasure or usefulness) can change
• Those in partnerships based on pleasure or utility are more likely to believe rumors about infidelity, as in the example of Anthony and Cleopatra
• Complete trust exists only in virtue-based friendship where one has “never been unjust”

Friendship and Choice vs. Passion #

• Loving (eros) is like a passion or emotion, which can occur at first sight
• Friendship is like a habit, grounded in choice (prohairesis), not mere emotion
• Romantic love can be “at first sight” because it is primarily emotional/passionate
• Friendship cannot occur “at first sight” because it requires choice, and choice proceeds from habit
• Choice requires reason and familiarity; one cannot choose someone as a friend without knowing them

The Connection Between Choice and Habit #

• Choice itself proceeds from habit: the habits we possess determine the choices we make
• Moral virtue is defined as “a habit with choice,” or “a habit of choosing” what is in the middle as determined by right reason
• If one is habituated to listening to Mozart, one will be more inclined to choose a friend who also enjoys Mozart
• If one is habituated to philosophical and theological thinking, one will choose to associate with those interested in such things
• Our friends reveal our character because we choose them based on our habits

The Act of Friendship in Perfect Friendship #

• In the highest kind of friendship, friends wish good things to the beloved for their own sake, not by passion but by habit
• This wishing well for another’s sake (not for one’s own benefit) requires habituation
• Children are naturally selfish (following their senses); they must be habituated to think of others’ good
• Moral education involves training children to share, to think of others, to wish well to others—not just to themselves
• This habituation is necessary to move from the selfishness of sense-following to genuine friendship

The Three Kinds of Friendship Reconsidered with Respect to Stability #

• In the highest friendship (based on virtue), there is complete trust because virtue is stable
• In friendships of pleasure or utility, trust is incomplete because these bases are unstable and accidental
• Only the good can be friends in the highest sense because only virtue provides a stable ground for mutual love and trust

Key Arguments #

The Argument from Habit to Friendship’s Duration #

• Friendship is a habit (stable disposition)
• Habits are maintained by repeated acts
• Separation prevents the acts of friendship
• Therefore, prolonged separation causes the habit of friendship to weaken and disappear

The Argument from Choice to Friendship’s Nature #

• Friendship requires choice (deliberate selection of the other as a friend)
• Choice proceeds from habit (one chooses based on one’s established patterns)
• Therefore, friendship is fundamentally different from passionate love, which requires no habit or familiarity
• Therefore, friendship cannot occur at first sight

The Argument from Trust to Virtue-Based Friendship #

• True friendship requires trust
• Trust is only secure when based on demonstrated virtue
• Virtue requires observation over time to verify
• Therefore, only virtue-based friendship involves genuine trust
• Therefore, only virtue-based friendship is complete and reliable

The Argument from Habituation to Moral Education #

• Genuine friendship requires wishing well to another for their own sake, not for oneself
• Children naturally follow their senses and are selfish
• Selfishness can only be overcome through habituation to share and think of others
• Therefore, moral education must habituate children to wish well to others
• Therefore, the capacity for true friendship is acquired through moral education and repeated acts

Important Definitions #

Habit (ἕξις, hexis): A stable disposition acquired through repeated acts; in friendship, the established readiness to be a friend even when separated. In virtue ethics, a habit can be lost through neglect of the corresponding acts.

Act (ἐνέργεια, energeia): In friendship, the active exercise of friendship through living together, enjoying each other’s company, and mutual help. Distinguished from the habit (disposition) that underlies it.

Choice (προαίρεσις, prohairesis): A deliberate decision grounded in reason and habit. Unlike passion (eros) or mere emotion, choice requires familiarity and reasoning about the good. Friendship involves choice, not mere passion.

Trust (πίστις, pistis): The confidence that the other person is worthy of love. In virtue-based friendship, trust is grounded in observed demonstrations of virtue over time. In pleasure or utility friendships, trust is unstable because its grounds can change.

Virtue (ἀρετή, arete): Excellence of character that is stable and provides the only reliable ground for trust and lasting friendship.

Examples & Illustrations #

The Young Couple and the Airplane #

• A wealthy man rents an airplane for his marriage ceremony to a young, beautiful woman
• He takes pleasure in her beauty; she values his money
• Within months the marriage ends; she seeks alimony
• This illustrates an unstable friendship of mixed pleasure and utility that dissolves when circumstances change

Businessmen and Secretaries #

• Businessmen bring attractive secretaries to meetings to “make the meeting more pleasant”
• The secretary is promised shopping trips and gifts (the payoff)
• This is not a lasting friendship because it is based on pleasure mixed with utility
• When the utility ceases, the friendship ends

Political Alliances #

• Politicians become friends to balance a ticket or appeal to a population segment to gain election
• Once the election passes and the usefulness ends, the friendship dissolves
• This exemplifies friendships of utility among politicians

England, France, and Germany #

• The saying “We have no permanent friends, only permanent interests” illustrates friendships based on usefulness among nations
• England allied with France against Germany, then with Germany and Austria against France
• When Germany became a threat, England allied with France again
• These alliances are pure friendships of utility that shift as interests change

Abraham Lincoln and Legal Authority #

• In Illinois, when a chief justice was incapacitated, a lawyer could step in temporarily
• Abraham Lincoln was the man chosen because he was trusted for his honesty
• He had been observed many times in courtroom demonstrating his integrity
• This illustrates how trust is grounded in demonstrated virtue over time

Anthony and Cleopatra (Shakespeare) #

• When Anthony and Cleopatra are defeated by Octavius Caesar, Anthony is uncertain whether Cleopatra might abandon him for the winner
• She has left lovers before; he is not her first
• This lack of complete trust shows their friendship is based on pleasure, not virtue
• Earlier, when Anthony considers marrying Octavius’s sister for political convenience, Cleopatra cannot fully trust him
• Their friendship cannot have complete trust because it is based merely on pleasure

The Telephone Prank (Berquist’s Personal Example) #

• A student called Berquist’s house; his wife answered
• The student asked to speak to Berquist and implied she was someone else
• Berquist’s wife, trusting him completely, laughed it off as a prank
• If they lacked complete trust, she would have been suspicious
• This exemplifies the complete trust present in virtue-based friendship

The Package Store and the Policeman (Berquist’s Personal Example) #

• Berquist worked in a package store in Worcester
• A policeman friend would come in; Berquist wanted to listen to Mozart opera
• The policeman wanted to listen to the baseball game
• The policeman joked: “I’m going to shoot that radio out”
• This illustrates how incompatibility in what one enjoys makes living together unpleasant
• Without compatibility in shared pleasures, complete friendship is difficult

The Red Oldsmobile (Berquist’s Personal Example) #

• Berquist and his brother Mark, both young philosophy teachers, needed a car
• A gas station attendant they knew was going to work for Ford and needed to sell his Oldsmobile
• They bought the flashy red car; students thought they were “hot” college students
• One student approached them wanting to be friends, based on the car (pleasure)
• Berquist’s brother clarified they were professors
• This illustrates the love of wanting based on pleasure, not the love of friendship
• Berquist and Mark were nicknamed “the pale-faced twins” because they studied too much

Childhood Friendships Drifting Apart #

• Young people who are friends in high school but attend different colleges
• They often “drift apart” over the years due to lack of conversation and time together
• This shows how the habit of friendship weakens without the acts of friendship

The Bonnie and Clyde Example #

• Clyde sent a message to an automobile company praising their car for its getaway speed
• The company let him use one
• This exemplifies a pure utility friendship where each party is useful to the other for a specific purpose
• Neither party wishes the other well for their own sake; they simply use each other for the bank robbery

Teaching Greek Language (Anecdote) #

• A professor who taught Greek infrequently had to “learn it again” each time he taught
• This illustrates how habits (linguistic ability) weaken through lack of repeated acts
• Similarly, the habit of friendship weakens without repeated acts of being together

Children Learning to Share Candy #

• A child initially does not want to share his candy
• Parents encourage sharing and model it by sharing their own candy
• Through repeated acts of sharing, the child becomes habituated to think of others
• He is no longer purely selfish; he learns to wish well to others
• This is the foundation of learning to be a true friend

Soft Ball Game in the Neighborhood #

• Berquist recalls playing softball with neighborhood kids
• This exemplifies childhood friendships of pleasure (enjoying the same game)
• The lecture appears to be moving toward discussing how such friendships can develop into deeper ones

Questions Addressed #

Can friendship exist between those separated by distance? #

• Answer: Yes, the habit of friendship persists despite physical separation. However, the act of friendship (living together, enjoying each other) cannot occur. Prolonged separation weakens the habit and can cause it to be forgotten entirely.

Why is trust important in friendship? #

• Answer: Because friends must know that the other is worthy of their love. In virtue-based friendship, trust is grounded in demonstrated virtue. Without such trust, suspicion arises (as in pleasure or utility friendships), and complete friendship is impossible.

Is friendship possible at first sight? #

• Answer: No, not in the genuine sense. Romantic love can occur at first sight because it is based on emotion and passion. But friendship requires choice, which proceeds from habit, and habit requires familiarity and knowledge of the other person’s character over time.

How does one acquire the capacity for genuine friendship? #

• Answer: Through moral education and habituation. Children must be trained to think of others’ good, not just their own pleasure. Through repeated acts of sharing and caring for others, one develops the habit of wishing well to others for their own sake, which is essential to true friendship.

Why do some friendships dissolve after separation? #

• Answer: Because the acts of friendship (living together, enjoying each other) maintain the habit. Without these acts over a long time, the habit weakens and eventually disappears. The friendship is “forgotten.”

Can one live together with someone without being true friends? #

• Answer: Yes. Living together requires that friends find each other pleasant to be with. If they have incompatible interests or habits, they cannot easily live together or fully enjoy each other’s company, even if they wish each other well. Complete friendship requires both the habit and the pleasant acts.

How does choice differ from passion in friendship? #

• Answer: Passion (eros) is emotional and can strike suddenly (at first sight); choice is rational and proceeds from habit. Friendship is based on choice, not passion. One chooses a friend based on one’s established habits and knowledge of the other person’s character.