23. Friendship Consists More in Loving Than Being Loved

Summary

Berquist examines Aristotle’s claim that friendship consists more essentially in the act of loving than in being loved. Through logical and virtue-ethical analysis, he demonstrates that loving is an intrinsic act of perfection in the lover, while being loved is merely an extrinsic denomination dependent on another’s act. The lecture uses maternal love as the paradigmatic example of this principle and addresses why humans naturally seek to be loved more than to love, attributing this to a defect in our actual friendships rather than to the nature of friendship itself.

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Lecture Notes

Main Topics #

Loving vs. Being Loved in Friendship: Whether friendship consists equally in both loving and being loved, or whether one is more essential
The Nature of Acts and Perfections: Distinguishing between intrinsic acts that perfect the agent and extrinsic denominations that describe the agent only through another’s act
Maternal Love as Paradigm: The example of mothers who sacrifice reciprocal love for the good of the beloved
Human Inclination toward Being Loved: Why people naturally seek to be loved more than to love, and why this indicates a defect in friendship

Key Arguments #

Loving as an Intrinsic Act of Friendship #

My loving you is an act of friendship that perfects my will and my character as a friend
Being loved is not an act of friendship in the beloved, but rather an effect of the lover’s act
Being loved is what logicians call an extrinsic denomination: I am said to be loved because of an act occurring in you, not because of any act in me

The Analogy to Justice #

Justice consists more in paying what is owed than in receiving what is owed
I am just because I give to others what is their due, not because others pay me what they owe me
Similarly, I am a friend because I love, not because I am loved
The act of paying/loving is an intrinsic perfection; receiving payment/being loved is merely an effect of another’s act

Perfection vs. Sign #

Loving you is an actual perfection of me as a friend—it improves and perfects my will
Being loved is at best a sign of perfection in me, not an actual perfection
The distinction between intrinsic acts (which perfect the agent) and extrinsic effects (which merely describe the agent through external causes)

Important Definitions #

Loving: An intrinsic act of the will that perfects the lover by directing it toward the good of the beloved; constitutes the essential act of friendship
Being Loved: Not an act of the beloved but an extrinsic effect of another’s act of loving; a description that applies to me only because of an act in someone else
Extrinsic Denomination: A logical term for a quality or description that applies to something not because of an intrinsic act in that thing, but because of something external to it
Act of Virtue: An action that perfects and improves the character of the one performing it

Examples & Illustrations #

The Mother and the Wet Nurse #

In ancient Greece, when a mother could not provide sufficient milk, she would entrust her child to another woman (a wet nurse) to breastfeed. Through this intimate care, the baby would become more attached to the wet nurse than to its own mother. Yet the mother gives the child willingly because she seeks the good of the baby more than to be loved by the baby. This demonstrates that perfect love prioritizes the beloved’s welfare over reciprocal affection.

Modern Examples of Sacrificial Love #

Young mothers in crisis: Teenage girls who put babies up for adoption, recognizing they cannot provide adequate care, thereby seeking the child’s good over their desire to be loved
Mothers in wartime: Those who give up children during societal collapse so they might have better lives elsewhere
The mother’s joy in seeing the baby thrive (even if cared for by another) is sufficient perfection without being loved in return

Notable Quotes #

“My loving you is an act of friendship, isn’t it? Is my being loved an act of… No. I am said to be loved because of an act in you, right? But that act in you is loving me. Being loved is not really an act of friendship, is it?”

“My loving you is actually a perfection of me, right? By loving you by the love of wishing well. But is my being loved, is that really a perfection of me? At most, it’s a sign of perfection in me, maybe.”

“The more unselfishly you love others, the more they’re going to be apt to love you in return. So what you’re not seeking so much, you’re getting more of, right?”

Questions Addressed #

Does Friendship Consist Equally in Loving and Being Loved? #

Resolution: No. Friendship consists more essentially in loving than in being loved. Loving is an intrinsic act of virtue that perfects the lover as a friend; being loved is merely an extrinsic effect of another’s act and thus cannot be an act of friendship in the beloved.

Why Do People Naturally Seek to Be Loved More Than to Love? #

Resolution: This inclination reflects a defect in our actual friendships rather than the true nature of friendship. While Augustine notes that experiencing another’s love does move us to love in return, seeking to be loved primarily is contrary to the perfection of friendship. The person who seeks only to be loved without truly loving others receives neither the perfection of loving nor authentic friendship.